What do you want to be when you grow up ?
Remember when you was asked this and anything and everything seemed possible ?
I wanted to a dectective , teacher , air hostess the list was endless !
However life happens and at 33 I’m a single mum of 2 on benefits . Not only that but a carer to 2 autistic children and learning new ways to deal with life after a breakdown .
This can often lead to feelings of frustration and resentment .
But also who am I ?
What do I want ?
Where will I be when the kids grow up?
And the answer is I don’t know and that’s kind of scary .
Because that day will come . The years fly by and I find each September a turning point ,a new academic year all change. A time to reflect and take stock .
Bottom line is this isn’t the life I chose and I now know life is crazy unpredictable and there are no guarantees .
Earlier this year I got diagnosed with a personality disorder one that means I struggle to adapt to change and stressful times .
So this explained some of the problems and feelings I’ve had in the past .
As part of that I am trying to live for today and not think 5steps ahead .
But as said before when life is a constant cycle of growing and changing it inevitable that every now and then your going to think ok what next ? What in 5 years ?
Another thing is being a single mum you have time apart from your kids …the kids that are literally your life . Yes it’s hard work and you often nag more than ideal but you love them . It becomes more apparent that you are alone . Friends are not always free , your not rolling in cash or rolling in the bed sheets lol
Luckily I’m a bit of lone wolf and happily entertain myself but it does give you a glimpse of the future .
When your kids are not there you can forget what your strengths are and where your passion lies .
Identity and what makes you you .
What will I bring to the table in 5 years 10years time.
I had children very young settled down young that I have know no different .
This blog post has completely gone in million directions rather than one .
But bottom line what I’ve been thinking of and analysing is what next and what of my future .
Not worrying and panicking just genuinely thinking ahead .
Also how bloody scary it is to think of kids growing up .
Estelle goes into year 10 and Lynx into year 6… Crazy
I have many ideas and passions but I don’t know which way to turn etc .
But I also know that I’m still technically in recovery from a breakdown and have to learn to be easy on myself . Be kind and believe in myself.
I have also been thinking of all the friendships and relationships with men and family that have not worked out . It hurts and makes me sad .
Just generally thinking of life and how it turns out .
I also believe in fate and what happens happens for a reason.
But I also know you have to push yourself in life and go for what you want.
What do you want to be when you grow up ??