Thoughts …

What do you want to be when you grow up ?

Remember when you was asked this and anything and everything seemed possible ?

I wanted to a dectective , teacher , air hostess the list was endless !

However life happens and at 33 I’m a single mum of 2 on benefits .  Not only that but a carer to 2 autistic  children and learning new ways to deal with life after a breakdown .

This can often lead to feelings of frustration and resentment .

But also who am I ?

What do I want ?

Where will I be when the kids grow up?

And the answer is I don’t know and that’s kind of scary .

Because that day will come . The years fly by and I find each September a turning point ,a new academic year all change. A time to reflect and take stock .

Bottom line is this isn’t the life I chose and I now know life is crazy unpredictable  and there are no guarantees .

Earlier this year I got diagnosed with a personality disorder one that means I struggle to adapt to change and stressful times .

So this explained some of the problems and feelings I’ve had in the past .

As part of that I am trying to live for today and not think 5steps ahead .

But as said before when life is a constant cycle of growing and changing it inevitable that every now and then your going to think  ok what next ? What in 5 years ?

Another thing is being a single mum you have time apart from your kids …the kids that are literally your life . Yes it’s hard work and you often nag more than ideal but you love them . It becomes more apparent that you are alone . Friends are not always free , your not rolling in cash or rolling in the bed sheets lol

Luckily I’m a bit of lone wolf and happily entertain myself but it does give you a glimpse of the future .

When your kids are not there you can forget what your strengths are and where your passion lies .

Identity and what makes you you .

What will I bring to the table in 5 years 10years time.

I had children very young settled down young that I have know no different .

This blog post has completely gone in million directions rather than one .

But bottom line what I’ve been thinking of and analysing is what next and what of my future .

Not worrying and panicking just genuinely thinking ahead .
Also how bloody scary it is to think of kids growing up .

Estelle goes into year 10 and Lynx into year 6… Crazy

I have many ideas and passions but I don’t know which way to turn etc .

But I also know that I’m still technically in recovery from a breakdown and have to learn to be easy on myself . Be kind and believe in myself.

I have also been thinking of all the friendships and relationships with men and family that have not worked out . It hurts and makes me sad .

Just generally thinking of life and how it turns out .

I also believe in fate and what happens happens for a reason.

But I also know you have to push yourself in life and go for what you want.

So again

What do you want to be when you grow up ??