i have lots of words and thoughts rattling around today.
the kids have gone for the week which is yeah on one hand as get to recharge batteries but after 5 solid weeks with kids it does feel strange. I cant help but feel sadness and lonely at thought of week ahead.what is my purpose when not caring? esp as a mum of a autistic child where it is constant and it is draining but my kids are my life and almost my identity.
a lot of people are away or obv busy with it being the school holidays so not even gt much planned
i can always entertain myself in form of swimming netflix and of course books so its not that il be bored. but j have been reflecting a lot on the past present and i suppose the future .
ive been single 5 years next month and doesnt look set to change .i dont need a man but i miss certain things and i cant help but look at other people and see their life moving on to next relationship marriage even.new job or baby and i feel bit stuck.
this year has been tough and i know things are not forever but i just wonder how i got to be 32 sat in on a Saturday night even when no kids here.
ive lost a lot of friendships and even family over recent years and ive had lots of counselling as there does seem to be a pattern of rejection which triggers emotions from my past.
i never seem to fit in despite trying .its always me chasing people then getting let down. from being a child in foster care it has lingered this need to be wanted and accepted but now i tend to just stick to myself so dont get hurt.
when you dedicate all your time and energy on your kids because they don’t often go away especially lynx its very hard to maintain a separate life for you.
it gets quite isolating at times and hard to let people in.
i miss having company and adult interaction.i miss being in the thought of someone.
i never planned this life and at times its frustrating and lonely. I settled down very young and never really discovered who i was etc and even now can feel quite lost .
suppose kids going just highlights things.il b ok and will enjoy my break but needed to voice these feelings.
today i slept and went swimming which was lovely 🙂