i have lots of words and thoughts rattling around  today.

the kids have  gone for the week which is yeah on one hand as get to recharge  batteries but after 5 solid  weeks with kids it does feel strange. I cant help but feel sadness and lonely at thought  of  week ahead.what is my purpose when not caring? esp as a mum of a autistic  child where it is constant  and it is draining  but my kids  are my life and almost my identity.

a lot of people are away or obv busy with it being the school holidays so not even gt much planned

i can always entertain myself in form of swimming netflix and of course books so its not that il be bored. but j have  been reflecting  a lot on the past present and i suppose the future .

ive been single 5 years next month and doesnt look set to  change .i dont need a man but i miss certain things and i cant help but look at other people and see their life moving  on to next relationship  marriage even.new job or baby and i feel bit stuck.

this year  has been tough and i know things are not forever but i just wonder how i got to be 32  sat in on a Saturday  night  even when no kids  here.

ive lost  a lot of friendships and  even family over recent years and ive had lots of counselling  as there does seem to be a pattern of rejection  which triggers emotions from my  past.

i never seem to fit in despite trying  .its always me chasing  people then getting let down. from being a child  in foster  care  it has lingered  this need to be wanted and accepted but now i tend to just stick to myself so dont get hurt.

when you  dedicate  all your  time and energy on your kids because they don’t often go away especially  lynx its very hard to maintain a separate life for you.

it gets quite isolating at times and hard to let people in.

i miss having company and adult interaction.i miss being in the thought  of someone.

i never planned this life and at times its frustrating and lonely. I settled down very young and never really discovered who i was etc and even now can feel quite lost .

suppose kids going just highlights  things.il b ok and will enjoy my  break but needed to voice these feelings.

today i slept and went  swimming which was lovely  🙂

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