Thought id have a offload which ive not done in a while .I obviously need it as spent most of today crying and feeling flat which ive not been able to shift for a few days .
Its nothing major but just a build up of stuff and emotions ,that thrown in with my own mental illness which I need to remember is still there and sometimes im not as strong as want to be .
There’s been so much going on with the kids and my own health ,life has been manic to say the least .
Im being pulled from left to right often feeling like im not getting it right adding to the guilt I already feel .
My weeks consist of appointments and the feeling of living on eggshells taking each day as it comes in regards to Estelle .
Lynx has gone on his first school residential which of course he was anxious about.This is a huge event for my lynx who only 8 months ago struggled to venture on a bus . He has come so far but I couldn’t show him I was as worried as him .I have to be strong and almost fake with both my kids at present so they can function and don’t feed off my worries while working on their stuff .
This is hard though as im only human and don’t feel I have many people if any at time to offload my own thoughts and feelings to .
With lynx away and me finally stopping today its almost like my mind and body allowed me to feel all what im feeling .
Being a single parent and having lack of adult conversation and affection certainly adds to a sense of frustration and isolation .
A few times lately ive found myself yearning for a easier life or at least someone to share he dark times with .Ive been single nearly 5 years now and I feel like ive lost my identity as a woman at times and confidence . I would like someone to help me out emotionally, financially and practically eg help with the house and decisions . id like someone to want to spend time with me as doesn’t seem to be many of them .
With lynx away and focus being on mine and estelles relationship It brought home a few things .
Im probably not even making sense lol but just needed to get some words out .
A lot has gone on and it certainly leaves you feeling overwhelmed . Ive achieved a lot and fought battles and supported my kids but days like today can leave you feeling too drained to even want to get dressed .
Summer holidays are fast approaching which is mad !! and hello 7 weeks I repeat 7 weeks .I always get a sense of dread if im honest especially as lynx has got older its become apparent he struggles without the structure of school and routine . Then I have Estelle who is counting the days as school is a unhappy place for her .So 2 kids with very different needs and someone is always not gonna be happy because im not supermum .
Lynx is home tomorrow and I cant wait to hear how hes got on !
I have a horrible hosp appointment 😦
Il end this on a positive note …Pretty little liars is taking over my life …addicted .
Lynx being away has enabled Estelle and I to have quality time even getting out on a school night and breaking the rigid routine we have due to lynx . I had a break from school run and managed to clean most of my ktchen lol
Thanks for reading 🙂