defeated

I have gone to blog a few times in the last few days bt not got past first sentence .

I am feeling absolutely awful ,I could easily go sit in garden and cry till teheres no tears left.

I feel like a shit person in every way as a mum ,a sister ,a friend…I suck basically .

Guilt is running through me about so much and do you know what im tired …tired of life and fighting and coping and being strong.

Christmas can just fuck off tbh I cba be assed with it now after last few days yet I was feeling fine about it .

This is whats happening

1. I have mental illess which always flares up with birthdays and  xmas for various reasons

2.Estelle isn’t here so my children are separated for first time at xmas

3.lynx cant handle school hols and I feel like ive gone back to the summer hols and all our good work and what hes achieved has been lost

4.theres endless days and build up to xmas and endless days after

5.family!!!!!!!!!!!

Everything feels grey and I feel defeated with it all.

I planned on having a very quiet xmas with lynx and lazy days etc and so far that hasn’t happened and ive had to dela with stuff I didn’t really want to deal with.

I feel under pressure ,lost and isolated . Im exhausted as single mum and carer to lynx ,toight he whacked me in nose not for fisrt time and I lost it as im fed up of having it happen then he was crying .So I feel guilty ,hes missing his sister and im snapping at him.

Mental illness is awful and ruins things .

im writing this crying .

This is nt how I expected my Christmas hols to be ,life has been so busy I was looking forward to the break but then often when u have time to think it causes problems.

There is so much pressure from society to have this happy Christmas but for many it can trigger so much and highlight a lt that you don’t have .

So this is why ive had erratic tweets ,im sure I have bipolar and my moods scare me but doc don’t take me serious .

Over the last year I have pushed everyone away as I have no idea how to have a normal relationship with anyone .I have huge rejection issues and low self esteem and don’t think im worth much .I focus on the kids and that’s that.

Anyway wishing anyone who reads this a merry chistmas x