This post will probably sound very erratic but I need to get it out .
I feel shit today both emotionally and physically .
We have all cried tonight even Estelle . Im really feeling thrown by the changes of lynx moving school which is to be expected but I hate this inner turmoil feeling of unsettled .
I feel the last few days its like the events of recent years have hit me .
Leaving lee ,starting again ,moving over and over again ,new schools,court case ,domestic abuse ,family breakdown,lynxs diagnosis , losing friends etc etc .
I feel sick anxious and guilty .
I feel I have screwed my kids up.
I have got social services coming tommorw and im terrified ,but I requested the contact because I was at breaking point . But what happens if they feel im not up to the job which is how I feel most days .
I have days I feel I cant breathe ,I have no support or break from my kids .
All I see ar my kids and all they see is me ,they have no one to turn to or talk to so when things get tough its so intense .
Lynx doesn’t want to do anything go anywhere which leaves Estelle missing out .
She has started to worry about me almost like shes responsible of me….this is wrong .
My kids have witnessed so much and we are still finding our feet .
We have minimum furniture ,our house needs so much doing so still doesn’t look homely which is another guilt .
I have demands of all of this and theres one of me ….
I never wanted this for my kids , they have a crap dad who pays no maintance ,no grandarents my side ,friends come and go .
Im meahnt to b going out for few drinks on sat first time in months and the first time left with babysitter in nearly a year and both kids have shown their upset im going and where im poorly I feel like not bothering .
Lynx didn’t have good day soo have the worry of him settling in new school ,was I right in moving him ?
Im waiting for important letters to come and lynx is seeing cahms soon.
I miss how things used to be .I used to get head space ,I used to have a social life ,we used to be able to go to cinema do fun things as a family .Now its always tears and panic attacks .
I don’t know how or when this happened .Think its been a year of change and has really thrown me so god knows how the kids feel .
Everything is hard and I need a few days /weeks to adjust my head,cry ,sleep and get over this cold .