festive blues

Its time of year  for festive  cheer …….or is it??? For me and many others who have the black dog ,the hidden illness whatever you want to call it  can be a blue Christmas rather than the wishful white one .

Before I begin let me start by that I enjoy Christmas and winter to a certain extent lol and im lucky this year I have my babies home for the big day !!! They were at their dads last year and it killed In all honesty .I had a great time but I missed doing the little bits on Xmas eve and Xmas morning .That is one of the issues of being a single mum is having to share your children .I think at certain times you feel it more than  others ,when we have children we don’t plan on being on our own .Especially for me someone whose childhood wasn’t great I wanted to give my children a good start so already there’s pressure there!!! Society builds up Xmas to be this day that has to be perfect with family surrounding you .However it’s not that easy for everyone for various  reasons and I think this time of year can highlight for people what they don’t have.

The reason why im writing this post this evening as I have been low the last coupe of days for various of reasons and I admit I always struggle with winter especially with the grey and cold skies.I suffer with depression and anxiety and means I never quite know how im going to be day-to-day .2013 has been a year of lots of illness for me and lots of happenings  which have had a big impact on me which as we draw to the new year I cant help but think about with a sense of sadness. So the last week my daughter was ill meaning I couldn’t do m usual plans I do when she’s at school which involves exercise which helps my illness. I then felt very drained by the end of week to the point where I was sleeping when I could and even the simplest of chores was too challenging . Few  other things happened affecting my moods and hormones ……women!!!! My son is 7 and autistic and very full on and it can be draining .Anyway after having a low few days today I went swimming and had a good family day with my children .However the minute I put them to bed I fet this overcoming urge to cry . I started thinking of my past and negatives and I know I shouldn’t but rather than sit and cry I thought id write my feelings on here ,,,,sorry !!! lol

As a single mum I often feel very lonely having no adult conversation and tonight I just felt it even  more .Usually il be able to relax watch my tv read my book  whatever I wish bt I couldn’t tonight . I started thinking another xmas being single ,no presents for me (bit selfish ) I have no parents and il never have a daughter card at xmas or be spoiled .When I watch my kids in nativity plays over the years its me on my own and I feel sense of guilt and resentment for that . Again society puts pressure on us regarding the festive season which can put people on a high then a big low after !!!

Gone into few issues of my life in this post which give insight and im currently receiving cbt  and im very honest about my illnesss and past as makes me who I am

Enjoy  your Christmas but I will bear a thought this season who struggle like myself xxx