Well as I lie in my bed poorly 😦 I thought id use what brain cells are still working and write this blog .Firstly I hope everyone had a great xmas ,mine was really good quiet chilled and had quality time with my kids .Lynx wasn’t well ….he’s passed it onto me !!! They then went to their dads at the weekend and it was like my body was waiting till it knew it could rest before the virus come out . So I wont b doing any celebrating this new years eve and as kids are away and I live alone im all alone .Admittly this does make me feel slightly low but in another way it seems quite apt way to spend it as a result of how 2013 has been .I think also society and ressure we put on ourselves makes us feel we should be doing things this way and if ur not then ur inadequate .Im very slowly learning that its ok to not do what everyone does and it doesn’t make me any less adequate . Don’t get me wrong in my ill state now I would love to have people to give me tlc ,a caring partner but hey another year has gone and still not happened lol I am using the time to rest tho getting slight cabin fever now,thank god for twitter is all I can say!!!
So I briefly mentioned how this year has been well its been a real eye opener for me .Lost a lot of relationships and people showed their true colours which has been difficult for me .I turned 30 which I really struggled with .I completed level 2 of my counselling course started level 3 but then left . My son got his diagnosis of autism which felt like I was finally being heard .My daughter started secondary school and has discovered boys ..well 5 in particular ONE DIRECTION!! I have started to bake occasionaly whichc was a big fear for me and ive learnt its ok to nt be perfect !! lol
A big regular theme of the year has been my health I have been ill so often that the chemist expect to see me every month collecting antibiotics.It was almost like turning 30 shut my body down .Its been very frustrating as has made my parenting a harder job as being a single mum with no support is hard but even harder when your ill.I am completely out of shape and about stone heavie than this time last year.I have always swam and in the last few years built up a good fitness level with walking swimming and using the just dance games .This benefited my mental health and my confidence ,being ill as often as a I have has put a spanner in the works because everytime I got better and started worinng out I would get something different . So that’s been big downside to this year .I do feel less confident a shadow of who I was and have had to learn a lot abut who I am this year and my strength has been tested .
One thing me and kids did was a happy jar which we will be opening when they come home 🙂
Anyway heres hoping I have a healthier new year and to getting fit again .Its not abut losing weight for me its about feeling good mentally and physically .2014 really is a empty book for me as compared to last year I have no set goals and plans but wheras in the past this would scare me it now feels me with hope.
I have a few ideas floating about atm career wise but I believe in signs and fate and will not overthink or worry.
I want to look into charity work
Me and the kids will do the happy jar again
I will carry on reading which Is a no brainer but im going to make a log of what im reading !!!
I will continue to do as a I am which is to accept make mistakes no one is perfect but to keep focusing on whats good in me and grow on that .
Hope u have fun however u spend your new years eve and hears to the new year 2014 x
After seeing several people on my twitter doing this I thought if give it a go 👍
A is for Aries my star sign
B is for my favourite things books !
C is for my name Charlene
D is for dogs as I’m more of a dog lover than cats
E is for Estelle my daughter
F is for frogs my fav animal
G is for glasses which I used to need to wear
H is for my annoying curly hair
I is for my interest in psychology
J is for January and June when my children were born
K is for kisses .perfect from my kids x
L is for my son Lincoln lynx for short
M is for Being a mum
N is for naughty foods !!
O is for my obsession with Heros
P is for pjs aren’t they comfy !!
Q is for ps and qs …hate rude people !
R is for reading which I love to do anywhere and anytime
S is for My love of swimming
T is for Tom hardy who I adore !!
U is for Staffordshire university I went to bt left
V is for violet which is like purple which is my fav colour
W is for the wii which I use to exercise
X is for ….well I have a annoying ex ?? Lol
Y is for being told I look younger than I am quite often
Z is for zzzz I love my naps
Its time of year for festive cheer …….or is it??? For me and many others who have the black dog ,the hidden illness whatever you want to call it can be a blue Christmas rather than the wishful white one .
Before I begin let me start by that I enjoy Christmas and winter to a certain extent lol and im lucky this year I have my babies home for the big day !!! They were at their dads last year and it killed In all honesty .I had a great time but I missed doing the little bits on Xmas eve and Xmas morning .That is one of the issues of being a single mum is having to share your children .I think at certain times you feel it more than others ,when we have children we don’t plan on being on our own .Especially for me someone whose childhood wasn’t great I wanted to give my children a good start so already there’s pressure there!!! Society builds up Xmas to be this day that has to be perfect with family surrounding you .However it’s not that easy for everyone for various reasons and I think this time of year can highlight for people what they don’t have.
The reason why im writing this post this evening as I have been low the last coupe of days for various of reasons and I admit I always struggle with winter especially with the grey and cold skies.I suffer with depression and anxiety and means I never quite know how im going to be day-to-day .2013 has been a year of lots of illness for me and lots of happenings which have had a big impact on me which as we draw to the new year I cant help but think about with a sense of sadness. So the last week my daughter was ill meaning I couldn’t do m usual plans I do when she’s at school which involves exercise which helps my illness. I then felt very drained by the end of week to the point where I was sleeping when I could and even the simplest of chores was too challenging . Few other things happened affecting my moods and hormones ……women!!!! My son is 7 and autistic and very full on and it can be draining .Anyway after having a low few days today I went swimming and had a good family day with my children .However the minute I put them to bed I fet this overcoming urge to cry . I started thinking of my past and negatives and I know I shouldn’t but rather than sit and cry I thought id write my feelings on here ,,,,sorry !!! lol
As a single mum I often feel very lonely having no adult conversation and tonight I just felt it even more .Usually il be able to relax watch my tv read my book whatever I wish bt I couldn’t tonight . I started thinking another xmas being single ,no presents for me (bit selfish ) I have no parents and il never have a daughter card at xmas or be spoiled .When I watch my kids in nativity plays over the years its me on my own and I feel sense of guilt and resentment for that . Again society puts pressure on us regarding the festive season which can put people on a high then a big low after !!!
Gone into few issues of my life in this post which give insight and im currently receiving cbt and im very honest about my illnesss and past as makes me who I am
Enjoy your Christmas but I will bear a thought this season who struggle like myself xxx