when 4 becomes 3 ….

I wanted to write this yesterday as the thoughts and words were fresh in my mind however lynx had different ideas !!! With his autism some evenings he becomes quite unsettled .Think it was the clocks changing which seems to have affected all of us .Tho I think there was an underlying reason as to him being unsettled and that being the fact he hasn’t seen his dad for 2 months .Yes that’s right 2 months !!!! I miss my kids after they been at school for 6 hours let alone 2 months . Its difficult for mel as a adult to et my head round it and understand so can’t imagne what it’s like for the children .estelle is 11going on 15 with hormones racing around her body and settling into the new environment of secondary school .then lynx who is autistic so can’t handle change and disruption to routine well at all . So any normal adult situation is difficult for children to grasp so imagne this situation ??
A bit of background story to explain the man who is their dad . We met young and settled down giving us both the family and hope we had longed for and needed .We was together 8 years and he probable will always be the love of my life however that love was very unhealthy and consuming of rage violence and control . There were lots of good times and good aspects to him which helped me grow as I met him so young .I was 17 a virgin and never experienced love before so I embraced any affection I was giviem from him thinking it was great . However as the years went by and I grew a voice and my own mind I realised this wasn’t how I wanted my life to be ,living on egg shells and spending more days crying than smiling . I left him in 2008 starting again with the children . I will go into more details another time of that time frame for today I want to focus on the children. At first he was still actively in their life having them half the week but I think he still thought I was going to come back . When he realised I wasn’t was when he changed and got nasty and eventually stopped having the kids . I did a lot of moving for various reasons eventually moving back to London .in 2009 court proceedings started which was a stressful time and a contact order was set up . He had to build a relationship up with the children starting small with a few hours a month in contact centre gradually building up to him having them overnight . With this has brought lots of challenges and emotions for me and the kids . Anyway this brings is to now October 2013 after he has been having them monthly for the last 2years he has now not seen them since august . What you have to bear in mind with my ex is that he’s not like most men in fact he’s quite unique in his thought processes . I sometimes think his goal in life especially after I’ve left him is to cause me stress rather than focusing on being the best dad he can be . The reason why he’s not seen his kids is because he now thinks I should travel to Waterloo to meet him with the kids as he lives in Bournemouth .my reason for saying no are that with him you give him a inch he takes a mile and why should I make his life easier ? This is a man who has reported me to the police and social services and even tried to get me on the Jeremy Kyle show !!! 😱😱 he doesn’t financially support his kids and he only has them once a month . So as a result if me saying no he has not seen his kids.
Where does this leave me and the situation with the kids?? It has amplified tensions between me and Estelle because she is a daddy’s girl and literally thinks his shit don’t stink ! She will join him in bad mouthing me and never defends me which is very painful to me.we have had arguments when my mask and shield have slipped some days and I can’t b nice coz he’s her dad ! For them it’s black and white but it’s so many more colours ! He still rings them twice a week and texts which has caused problems . It’s a very lonely time as I don’t know if I’m dealing with it the best way .
When we start a family we don’t plan on this being the end result and there is a element of guilt in all this .however another reason I left him was for the safety and happiness of the children . But for now I’m the bad cop especially in Estelle’s eyes and it’s difficult . Sometimes wonder who’s rooting for me ? Who’s got my back in all this as I try and be strong for the kids and take the crap.
I love my kids so much but I won’t lie as a single mum it is tough so it’s a shock to system not having a break .we all need to charge our batteries time to time and I’m getting over a virus and chest infection at present and it’s half term! So I’ve been resting as much as possible and luckily Estelle is old enough to help me a little bit lol
Thank you for reading x



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